Aberrant Clone

I think it should be clear by now that an adult chimpanzee is very likely to chew your f**king face off if you make him/her angry...and what makes a chimp angry? Beats me! That's why chimpanzees are to be avoided at all cost.

If you see a 200 pound chimp wandering down your street, don't ask him in for a beer...and NEVER give him a Xanax. If you have a shotgun, blast his/her face off before he/she eats your's for lunch.

Good pet: Chihuahua
Bad pet: Chimpanzee

The only thing worse than a marauding chimpanzee? A marauding ZOMBIE chimpanzee! I'm just sayin'

Fences from Stardock Software adds some cool new functionality to your Windows Vista desktop. Check out the screenshot:

Stardock is releasing the current beta version of Fences for free. This nifty program allows you to organize the files and shortcuts on your desktop into tidy boxes or fences, as they call them. If you're like me, your desktop is always cluttered and jumbled with work in progress. Fences makes that clutter a thing of the past. You can create a multitute of fences and label them to suit your needs. Fences makes the windows desktop more than just a place to display your latest wallpaper. I love it.

So far, I haven't noticed any major dent in my system resources while the program is running, and I also haven't experienced any weird bugs or gliches.

Several of my co-workers went to lunch together this afternoon to say goodbye to a fellow employee who is retiring at the end of the week. We went to Tony Romas (blech!) on Ventura Blvd. The San Fernando Valley is truly a...unique area of our small, blue planet. The denizens of this particularly putrid L.A. suburb are about as shallow as they come. Seriously, such a level of extreme obnoxiousness does not come naturally--you really have to work at it. Remember those snotty, rich Encino brats in The Karate Kid? Well, their kids are even worse.

While we were having lunch, three very lovely young ladies (true valley girls) were seated at the next table. I'm not being sarcastic when I say that they were all quite attractive. At first glance, they reminded me of my own beautiful daughters, but with a much harder edge. They were dressed in designer jeans and each had on a pair of identical UGG boots. I guess UGG's are once again haute couture in the SFV this year. They appeared to be in their early twenties, but with all that make-up, it was hard to really tell.

As soon as the waiter took their drink orders, the three Princesses of Encino all whipped out their cell phones and started texting. Really? Is that how they do it now? Each girl had her fingers flying across those keypads and they barely uttered a spoken word. I was seriously wondering if they were texting EACH OTHER. This went on for about ten minutes until another pretty girl arrived. Of course, as soon as her jacket was off (it said something about "pimping" on the back), the phone was in her hand and she was texting away, too.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. After all, this is the SFV, home of the Kardashian Sisters--the current semi-literate, morally bankrupt, socially backward role models for every self-respecting valley girl. Unfortunately, this disease is not confined to its SFV hot zone and is spreading across the nation faster than a YouTube video of a Britney Spears nip-slip.

I'm sure glad I didn't shell out money for the Affliction: Day of Reckoning PPV. The main event was rather disappointing. After all kinds of trash talk about how Andrei Arlovski was going to "out box" Fedor Emelianenko with his new and improved stand-up skills (ala boxing coach Freddie Roach), Arlovski was knocked the f**k out. Arlovski had Fedor backed into a corner and decided to throw a half-assed flying knee. Why? As Arlovski was coming up and forward, Fedor met his momentum with a HUGE overhand punch to the Pitbull's fully exposed chin. DING-DONG! Lights out! Arlovski hit the canvas like a big ol' sack of taters! Duh!

Anyway, in honor of Fedor's victory, I am drinking a bottle of The Czar Imperial Stout from Avery Brewing Company. This stuff is thick and black. It pours into the goblet with a thick, creamy brown head that does not disappear quickly.

Whoa, the aroma is serously powerful. I'm picking up hints of chocolate, coffee and cherries. The taste is equally powerful. There's a strong alcohol taste, which is not surprising given the 12.20% ABV. Yikes! My nose hairs are singed! There's also a toasted hoppy flavor with chocolate and brown sugar undertones. This one causes a sting to the taste buds. It's a tad bitter.

Once again, I'm trying to decide if I like this brew. While I was sipping, a gnat landed in the middle of the head and immediately DIED. Okay, I like it.
 
On my scale of five beer bags, I'm giving The Czar a very respectable FOUR.

Things are gonna be SO different...

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake.

                                                              ~ President Barack Hussein Obama II

Dedicated to George W. Bush...

When I sat down in the barber's chair on Friday, I do not at all remember saying, "Just make me look exactly like Karl in Slingblade." Seriously, I could swear I said, "Leave it in this same style, just a little shorter."

I knew I was in trouble when the guy started wielding his clippers with one hand. I think he had one eye closed, too.

So, here I sit, looking like I have a hankerin' for "some of them french-fried potaters" and pondering what kind of damage I could inflict on a hair stylist with a sharpened lawnmower blade.

"Mmm-hmmm."